"Life" had been sucking the life out of me.
And then it graciously nudged me out the life-sucking-pit-of-despair with a quote ("life" totally gets me, I so love a good quote). I found it in an excerpt from an old spiritual teaching, that said something to the effect of "fatigue is nothing short of lack of inspiration." Now, I have firsthand knowledge of fatigue as something that can actually be from lack of sleep, so this perplexed me. Apparently fatigue is also spiritual as well as physical. Yep, I could roll with that. Lack of inspiration = fatigue tends to = writer's block for me as well and then some.
I have had writer's block for years, literally, years until as of late, and just experienced it again. Interestingly, it would seem, this bout of writer's block might just have pushed me out onto the edge of one of the best breakthroughs I have had thus far.
This one's about vulnerability.
Writers block actually definitely serves a purpose. I know that if the words ain't flowing, the words ain't flowing, and it's time to walk away. Everything I try to write during times of a block seem cheap and silly. I usually won't get much past a paragraph. So, here's what started to unblock my block. I read the fatigue/lack of inspiration quote, which prompted me to seek out some info that came in the form of a person I have since been reading and listening to by the name of Brene Brown who did a fantastic TED TALK that made it's way to loads of people via You Tube. In that TED TALK, Brene speaks of vulnerability and shame.
Ick, right?
Well, maybe, but it's probably something everyone should hear. To Brene Brown, being vulnerable is being brave, daring, and truly happy. This quote from Teddy Roosevelt is one she drew from:
Oh yeah. That's good stuff.
I listened to Brene's talks on the almost 1,000 mile trip back home from Illinois. We went there for my husband's sister's wedding. I was at the end of a two week long whirl wind of emotion that almost broke me. What I have learned thus far is...if I'm having trouble with multiple people, in this case, uh, four to five people...there is one common denominator. It's me. Damnit. This became the driving force behind my shame spiral. It. wasn't. nuttin'. pretty.
Now I didn't really know what to do with that but..."If," I thought "if I am going to take the advice of Brene Brown, and even still-Teddy R, if I am going to apply it and not just listen to it with a warm fuzzy feeling, and if I am going to dare greatly, then I must be willing to be vulnerable. I must be honest, and speak directly from the heart. I must risk sounding like a complete lunatic, being labeled a "Jesus Freak", or something else and understand that I may just lose the followers I have." (I think that number of blog followers is, uh...four. Thanks for subscribing and bumping that digit up Mom.) So here goes, straight from the heart. This is where my block became my platform (now, hang in there with me you four).
I asked.
I asked whomever it is...whatever it is that is out there in the universe and/or beyond. I asked why yet another block? I realized it wasn't just writers block, it has been an everything block. Mind, body and spirit: I was blocking all of it. Now, I don't, that is do not consider myself a FUNDAMENTALIST believer at all. I mean AT + ALL. I know enough to know...that I don't know a whole heck of a lot. I can't say what is real, I can't say what isn't. What exists, what doesn't. What happened and what didn't. I really only don't believe in not believing what I feel compelled to or drawn to. I am a woman who was raised a Mid-West Irish Catholic, who has a fascination with Eastern Religion and is living in the Bible Belt of the South. I'm very open minded, and very sure only that there is not just one way. There is not only that which is tangible. That, to me is what is called faith.
"Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do faith." (another Brene Brown quote...I could listen to this chick all day.)
For me, when I get real, and really ask for help, I do get answers. Now I don't know how this works for anybody else, I just know how it works for me. I write, I get a response and the response is in the manner and style that is a lot like me and a lot like my style. This of course could be explained away as me talking to me. Okay, yeah maybe. It could be coming from the "all knowing place of wisdom" that I hear is right in the center of all of us. I don't know. I don't know if it is, I don't know if isn't. I don't know if it's the Christ Consciousness, or God, Buddha, Allah...I just know that this is how it works.
So what came at that point was me asking why I'm in this place again, going around this same junk ass mountain time and time again. While my brain was rattling off which friend I could call and my fingers were scrolling through the call history of my phone, because I just simply could not come up with the one right person who would be just perfect enough to help me find a way out of this; I was presented with a question that both came from me and kinda from somewhere else. The question was "Why don't you just ask ME?" I know I have heard that question before, it was either faint enough in the past to ignore it or not attainable enough to pursue it, but not this time. This time I was ready to hear it. I have been peeling away enough of the gunk to really hear it.
The long and the short of it is this. I really needed to know what I keep doing to bring me back around here to square one. Sisyphus comes to mind often. But, that question was just a bit too big. So, okay then I needed to know what started all of it this time? I was on the good path, what is this disruption? My answer was twofold.
One, you got out of the routine of the constant in all of this, which is prayer. That led to getting out of the routine of yoga and meditation, and then the eating got worse, and then the thinking turned ugly, and then the talking, and sharing of the talking caused a lot of hurting. Listen, there is a lot of "stuff" getting stirred up in you, and because of that the temptation to walk away is strong. So do whatever you can to stay on track right now.
Two, this is also all a part of the process. Stop trying to speed it up. You cant win without losing. You cant rise without falling. There is no sweet with out knowing the bitter. You stopped prayer/writing to me, it caused a big, greasy, muddy clog in the vessel of your creativity which blocked your physicality, which is the path to your soul. This all needed to happen, and you can't skip steps. That's why you got sick, that's why your kids were acting out. You gave a load of lip service, mainly to yourself, when you weren't mature enough or experienced enough to genuinely approach certain things in life the way you claim you want to. You can't cheat this. You can't speed it up. You can't even control it. That's just one form of your greed. Stop claiming to be giving it all up to Me and then looking over your shoulder to make sure that I actually got this. 'Cause I got this. You are not only getting in your own way, you are getting in my way too. Greed. Explore your greed.
So, I had a "Coming to Jesus" with actual Jesus? Maybe. I had a clear message, and wherever it came from I am more than grateful for it. Ever since, I can barely make a cup of coffee without running back to my computer because I am bursting with words and ideas. Clearly, whatever or whomever or however...it's-a working for me.
I have to get real about my greed. I have the feeling if this post isn't well received the next one about greed will go over like the Hindenburg...but I guess that's what being vulnerable is. That is "daring greatly".
