I Need An Ashram, Or A Vodka Tonic

Day: 64

Where: Home

Type of Yoga: My Yoga Online.com Chakra Balancing Yoga 
Time: 55 min

Here I am, just loving on my yoga session.

Feeling it, feeling it people! 

Quiet house and children completely immersed in their own activities. Activities I lovingly handpicked just for each of them. Separately in separate rooms. I knew I was playing with fire by doing yoga in the middle of the morning, due to my nine year old up at 3am with a wicked case of the "zombie nightmares". Understandably, but she refused to let herself or me go back to sleep until about 7am, which I did at that point, for about twenty minutes before the seven year old was bouncing in and ready to start the day. Half a pot of coffee later, I am determined, determined to not break the plans I had for my yoga session with myself. 

I was in Eye of the Tiger mode. I asked myself, "Haven't I made sacrifices, haven't I made choices for the greater good of this damn family?"

And you'd better believe I answered myself with "Why, yes Erin. Yes you have, you are simply an amazing example of the female gender, and yes you have."

"Haven't I given up a few of my favorite things? Am I really supposed to sacrifice what makes me happy and what makes me feel good all the blessed time?"

"No...hell no...no you are not."

"Hell no I'm not, and all I have left, all I have is a shameful version of yoga in the den after I rake the toys to the side of the rug with my foot, and nobody, nobody is going to dictate when that happens, how long that happens or how often that happens."

"No no. Not today."

So, I picked my favorite 55 minute session, it was a long one, admittedly, but I had a plan, I provided them with entertainment, I laid out my expectations for them I even made a damn do not disturb sign to remind them.

I start, I stretch I twist I breath I chant...ahhhhhhh.

I get a couple of minor interruptions to which I point to the sign and ask them to give me my important time for myself. (If any of you are already snickering at this point, yeah...no shit, right? You know what's coming, and clearly I have not learned my lesson.)

Then I hear it, a low rumbling 
And I start tuning in to this nonsense and asking myself "Why are they even talking to one another?"

Answering with "Nope, not your problem. You are done being the referee of their endless squabbles, they know what's expected of them, therefore it is their choice to do it or to not do it, not yours."

Then I hear a rising drone of angst.

Followed by another in response

"Nope, nope, nope...breath into your spine...that's all you're focusing on breathing into your spine."

"Yes you're right we're right! Have at it heathens you are NOT baiting me, I'm breathing into my spine."

Suddenly doors are slamming, more screaming, a tussle-a physical battle has ensued at some location in the hallway
But I'm not in it, noho not me. I am twisting my left elbow over to my right knee...and...Oh Holy Hell who am I kidding?? I can't continue this, that's it, that does it, I'm screwed I will never attain enlightenment if my children keep acting like assholes!!!!!!

Now I'm up from my cool mint green mat in a red hot huff of steam and disgust. I pry their little bodies apart from one another and ban them to their rooms "...for eternity or the first day of school or when your father comes home, I'm not sure yet!!!"  To their rooms...ah yes, their rooms which I now see. Their rooms where one has systematically removed every single piece of clothing from closet and drawers to dress up the dog (who hasn't had a bath in who knows how long)...again...while the other a-hole has painted his fingers with marker and then taken those fingers to the wall to create an early 1990's faux finish wall paper design that would make Jesse Spano's mom pleased as punch, but is not quite hitting the mark with me.  

Now I'm walking away, engulfed in rage and cursing in languages and tongues I didn't even know I knew and feeling very yogally frustrated.

This is why yogis flee from civilization and go to the mountain top, or an ashram or just hang out in the wilderness. It isn't for spiritual retreat or for growth or for shedding the world's material values...I am convinced now that just like me, they had children and those children were acting like assholes.