Real Slack

Day: 20

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Evening stress Release (HULU PLUS)

Time: 21 min.

Day: 19

Where: Yoga Room

Type of Yoga: Hatha Flow I 

Time: 1 hour & 30 min.

Day: 18

Where: Yoga Room

Type of Yoga: Hatha Flow I and II

Time: 1 hour & 30 min.

Day: 17

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Shanti Yoga (HULU PLUS)

Time: 50 min.

Day: 16

Where: Yoga Room

Type of Yoga: Hatha Flow I

Time: 1 hour & 30 min.

This is a celebration of slacking. A celebration of not doing yoga the way I "should" have. That's right. Sounds strange I know. I have skipped a total of four days of yoga, scattered throughout this last week and a half. 

My upper thighs were tight...real tight. I went to a class and we focused on a lot of kneeling poses. And it was uuunnncomfortable. I felt like a total fish out of water. In yoga? Whaat? This was nuts to me because I've never ever felt that way before. Ever. It was just the catalyst necessary to slip into that old habit of giving in and giving up. 

This was the kind of "give up" I didn't even realize I was involved in. It wasn't my conscious talking, it was something else whispering and dropping hints and pointing out how maybe (just maybe) this yoga stuff didn't suite my life. Not NOW, ya know? Maybe when things are different, kids are older, husband isn't working so many crazy hours. It began to  suggest, "Maybe you should just run?", "Maybe you should just join the Y again?", "Maybe you should just get some mint chocolate chip ice cream and take a little nappy-nap. I'm just sayin."

So here's what saved me. I've seen the following creep back in. This list of b.s. popped up just from those sporadic few days of not doing yoga. I'm not kidding. I was back to how I was pre-yoga, 24 days ago:

• drained of mental energy 
• struggling to write
• crazy judgmental thoughts  
• talking shit about others
• looking at myself with disdain in the mirror
• quick to snap, tense not relaxed
• struggling to make time for myself
• feeling like 24 hours went by in 12
• making terrible eating choices 

Yes. I really and truly felt the opposite of each of these above points when I did yoga every day. Doing this daily, I felt like I had just been given the best prescription ever...oxi-yog-don...or something like that. The only difference was the kind of work that came along with it. 

So what is this? Why is this? I sort of know what it is for me, but I really would like  to pursue going a bit deeper. Maybe start talking to some of the folks I know who have been practicing for years, hear some stories, get a little clarity through solidarity. I hate to use the word "answers" because I do realize it's all relative, but I feel the need to start some conversations and see what comes out of it. Maybe something I can use. 

I think it's so more than okay to take a few steps back before you take many more steps forward. I now believe, in fact, that not only is it okay, but it is absolutely necessary! I say this is a celebration of the steps forward and the steps back. And as for my thighs, I'm just going to have to go around that damn mountain one more time.

Minor Slacking & Some Perspective

A bit of slacking has occurred  but not on yoga, just on posting about yoga. Some back logged journal entries:

Day: 15

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Yoga for Everyone-Shiva Rea Fluid Power 
Time: 1 hour & 40 min. (actual time about 1 hour)

-and-

Day: 14

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Yoga for Everyone-Shiva Rea Fluid Power 
Time: 1 hour & 40 min. (actual time about 35min.)

I would not exactly call this "yoga for everyone ". Loved the beginning, the breathing and chanting was absolutely amazing. The backdrop of the session is gorgeous, and the famous Shiva Rea is my new hero. But, it went really fast and there was just not a whole lot of explanation. I was beyond lost. I decided though, that I was not going to give up, because I think I could end up really treasuring this for at-home yoga. 

So, the next day I tried again and watched it first to get a better understanding of the poses and modifications. I made it to an hour. I was confused and modifying for myself and was an all out hot mess. I had to get real and be okay with not being able to do this yet. I felt like the cheese in the Cheez-It commercial that was marked as 'not ready'. I will not give up on my Shiva Rea. This will come as everything always does, in it's own time.

Day: 13

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Yoga Zone-Yoga For Weight Loss 

Time: 57 min.

No time for the yoga room every day, although I wish there was. It's just not the same at home.

Day: 12

Where: Yoga Room

Type of Yoga: Yoga Ball 

Time: 90 min.

Fresh perspective after Wednesdays Confessional. 

Yoga Ball was ah-ma-zing! I was a bit nervous about using the yoga ball and even sent the following text to my friend before picking her up for class:

Me: Going to leave here 9ish just to be a bit early...I know...shocking right? It is THAT important for me to secure a spot for my mat in the back of the room and not to be in the front of the class on a big ol yoga ball :-D

G: BAHAHAHAHAH

Why my pal's giant laughter via text? Because I am never, ever that early for anything.  Yes, I was a little trepidatious about rolling myself around on a giant ball, but it was awesome! 

Don't get me wrong, the ball didn't make it an easy session, you are definitely using some additional muscles to stabilize your body on the ball; but it did help my body feel both supported and I felt like where, in some yoga poses, I may wonder if my body is in the best position for me, the ball sort of guides you. It really applies what the instructor is telling you to do, and insures that you don't push your body to the point of pain or beyond where you individually should be. The ball simply won't let you. I love that.  As someone who tends to push herself further then she probably should and regrets it later, I needed that. 

Fav movement: use your ankles to throw the ball up to your hands and then back and forth. Killed my abs...loved it!

It was a great morning, a great class, the women in this class were so sweet and funny warm and loving. What a difference between this class and the other...but, then it hit me. Some of the women were the same women. They hadn't changed. I had.

The Great Ego Purge, Drinks To Be Served After: "the women I'm no longer losing weight for"

Day: 11

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga:Gentle Yoga (Part One) 
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: 22 min.

*"Sensitive Sallys": consider this your warning before continuing to read on*

After reevaluating yoga class last night, I  have decided to purge and renew. So, purging now of the dark, creepy, negative junk . Renewing by clearing the space to bring the truth into the light for the very first time about...

BODY IMAGE

My body image. (big deep breath) Yep, I'm going for it.

This confessional may sound a bit like "Sybil", but bear with me, because I am addressing today's confessional  to all of the mean girls. Not the real ones, the ones whom I have created and only exist in my head. They are there, I have learned, for the sole purpose of  letting  me know that I don't make the grade on an almost daily basis. I am doing this because after going all the way down the rabbit hole of negativity and pushing through to the other side, I have realized something: 

My weight loss is not for anyone else. Real or otherwise. All of these women have been living in my subconscious for far too long. I am cleaning house today, because these bitches haven't ever paid rent. 

(*Disclaimer-Okay now, I feel super guilty about using the term "bitches paying rent" and then the next paragraph beginning with "my mother". But, it was a really good line and I simply had to use it. Besides, this is not about my mother in truth/real life, it is about the one I have created in my head. In reality my Mom  is the sweetest, kindest woman who would lay down her life for me, I admire her above all other women...but she is freaking perfection..really. And  being the quirky offspring of freaking perfection can reeeeally do a number on you. In truth, my mother has never in my adult life made me feel bad about my body from her own doing. She has in fact been nothing but supportive and has done an A+ job to never be critical about what size jeans I was squeezing myself into any given year. And i love her for it.*) That being said...

I am not losing weight for...

#1 My Mother-This is the chica in my head I HAVE CREATED who resembles my mother (the Ego is a crafty one) but is instead pure evil...yep, she gots to go. I am clearing her out, and will instead focus on cherishing the diet advice my actual mother has given me over the years, which is basically equivalent to reading a Cosmopolitan magazine circa 1974.  Break out the Fondu and Polyester folks. This. Is. Priceless:

-Tip #1 To fight food cravings. Mom says: "Oh any time I would want to eat I'd just grab a diet coke and a smoke." Yes, who needs food to nourish their bodies when there are the sweet treasures of Nutrasweet and Nicotine? Hmmm...pass.

-Tip #2 (my personal favorite). Mom says:"Erin, sometimes when I was on a 'really good diet', I would just go to bed early and I would lay there with my stomach growling and think "this must be what those starving kids on tv must feel like at night." Really? Ok ignoring how ridiculously crazy it is she just compared herself to STARVING CHILDREN IN FREAKING AFRICA; let me break the last part of it down for you...when my mother says "really good diet"  in reality she means she's starving herself like Kate Moss losing 10 pounds for a shoot on Tuesday. That I cannot do.
-Tip #3 Fat Burning. Mom says: "I would wrap myself in Saran Wrap and sweat it out." Whaaat? Noooooo-wait-does that really work-no-what am I saying? I'm not doing that.
-Tip #4 Tan fat is always better then skinny fat. Mom says: "Honey put on a little of that Panama Jack Accelerator I brought to the beach today, it will give you a 'good base'." Ummm, I'm looking at my pale Irish skin and her pale Irish skin and I'm thinking this is a bad idea. I have been (literally and figuratively burned before) by learning that if my mother starts blanching your arm skin by repeatedly pressing her thumb into it and proclaiming "ooooh you're getting  some 'good color' today" pack up your beach chair and leave the death rays of the sun immediately, you are fucked. Take your lobster ass to Sam's and buy aloe in bulk, fill up your tub and soak in that shit for 24 hours because your ass is fried. 

Oh my dear, sweet Lord. I love her. 

#2 The Starlet- Over time, I have morphed many of these ladies into one ridiculous Tour de Force in stilettos and skinny jeans rocking 0.0 percent body fat the Tuesday after giving birth to triplets. She's the worst. I mean, this perfect little thing is a real imaginary pain in my ass. You know this girl. She is a mix of famous people and nobodies in tv commercials and magazine ads. She stares at you in the checkout line like she knows something you don't. This one is even the star in each and every jewelry commercial they run at the Holidays. I hate her. Don't get me wrong, I love the aloe-infused socks my man gave me this year, but I can't quite show them off like the pear cut diamond necklace she received on Christmas Day. Apparently every one of her kisses do in all actuality, begin with Kay. 

Bitch.

Listen Starlet, this has to stop. I am so done thinking I can't live up to your phantom, skinny, mean-girl ass. I just need to realize that you do not actually exist. Besides, I'm pretty sure most kisses begin with tequila shots. 
Now hit the road.

#3 The Erin I could have been: if only i were skinny. This is for all the skinny little things I see in real life. The ones on the beach, at the pool and running through my parent's posh neighborhood as if their bank accounts depended on it. 
This Could Have Been gal even mucks up my thinking so much that I pretend to like, but secretly hate the sweet chick who lives up the street. Why? Because, she is perfection. Her body is amazing, her children are always dressed like a Zulilly ad, her house is perfect, her golden retriever is perfect, as is her yard, and every thing else. The other day as I was driving by her perfect house, her gorgeous husband was in the front yard with the dog and kids, in perfect jeans cut to perfection and playing a song for all of them on his guitar. I took one look at this and said to myself:

"He even plays the fucking guitar." 

Unbeknownst to me, this was not an internal monologue, because my seven year old then asked me "Who plays the guitar Mommy?" 
Oops. Yeah...I have a problem. 

This Could Have Been hooker in my head really needs to go.
I have learned instead of cursing the blessings of others, to recognize what that does to the truth about mine. Cursing the blessings of other women like, the neighbor, is just one way that keeps me in direct dialogue with the Could Have Been, which is no 'bueno'. That Could Have Been gal keeps me from focusing on all of my actual blessings. And when I clear her out, I can finally see without comparison to anyone, how truly blessed I am. RIGHT NOW. 

So, Could Have Been Perfect Erin, I'm over it. 'Mazel' to you,  really, you and all of your amazing-ness. 
Now beat it.

#4 The Erin I Used To Be: I have a picture of myself at Lollapalooza  circa 1997-ish. I was there for the music of Korn and Snoop Dogg and several others I don't remember seeing. There I am, young, tan, blonde Erin in the army green tank top, cut off frayed and bleach spotted daisy duke jean shorts and my Jansport. I was getting a piece of my hair hemp braided (probably next to the "Magic Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Tent" Ahhh...the 90's.) and I weighed maybe 5 damn pounds. It was the highlight of skinniness for me and what I thought of as the epitome of my youth. 

I have tried in the past to put that exact picture up on my fridge as a reminder to motivate me to get back to THAT girl. But, I don't want to be THAT girl anymore. If I'm really, really honest with myself, THAT girl wasn't all that happy. Hell, THAT girl thought she was fat. She dated THE WORST possible "man-boys" and... she was kind of, well...dumb. Nope, I send much love to THAT girl, I'm not even mad at her, but I no longer think getting healthy is the same as looking like THAT girl again and I finally, finally don't want to her to occupy anymore head space. 
Bye-bye.

I don't need to worry about any of these women any more. I am blessed enough with all of the lovely souls I am surrounded by. Maybe now that these four are out of the way, I can finally see this experience for what it is. 

'Namaste' is something we say at the end of every yoga class, right? Really take a moment to wrap your head around that word and absorb the meaning of it:
"The Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you." 

So...
For the dear sweet ladies in my yoga class, I know now that you weren't and aren't judging me. You are all there for sanctuary, for yourselves. 
For my dear sweet yogi with her ability to make every movement sound even more beautiful as she pronounces yoga poses in a French accent. You are both an inspiration and the cutest little stinking thing ever. I am so grateful to be in the midst of those good vibrations, I love all those ladies for it and I know that, even without knowing me, they love me back.
For my friends who see what I am doing and who give me the space to go there, wherever the windy road may take me; even if I hate myself along the way or hurt myself along the way. They give me the space to figure it out FOR ME.

What physically transpires from this knowledge I don't know and I honestly don't care, I know that getting here is a better place then where I was. I'm going to go ahead and soak up all of this and be content that i have arrived HERE. I will STOP SEEKING APPROVAL from any of the four who were taking up my head space, and from anyone else. I will love me. Right where I am, right now, without conditions.

And for my skinny, tan, sassy, fabulous Momma who only wants what is best for me, and has loved me through it all...Namaste.

Time To Deal

Day: 10

Where: Yoga Room

Type of Yoga: Hatha Flow 

Time: 90 min.

I brought the negativity with me tonight, yes indeedy I did. To yoga?? Yup. I was a hot mess of awkward sarcasm literally (not just figuratively, I mean it...I was sweating like a pregnant nun in church). 

Listen, you don't see very many people in yoga classes who aren't already in great shape. I was a nervous wreck on the inside. My ego/the dark side/devil/shadow effect was taking over and telling me horrific things about myself, and then came up with the same solution to help me fit in...get the laugh.

A laugh at my own expense shows that I'm in control right? Isn't that what I'm learning about my nasty little ego? That at least if I decidedly act out I am, in a sense, taking over an awkward situation and coming out smelling like a rose. Well let me tell you, a yoga class is a baaaad platform for sarcasm laced in self-loathing. I did not get the laugh.  

This internal turmoil was apparently sending out the freak beacon, because the yoga teacher honed in on me. I sincerely was a hot, sweaty mess. Holy shit, Alan's Zone did NOT prepare me for this. The teacher was trying to help me and was being very sweet and subtle, but I just wanted her to stop drawing attention to me:

Teacher: "Does anyone (eye ball-stare-down directly at me) have problems with their knees and need a blanket to 'cushion'?"

My response (only in my head): "Well, I don't normally have problems with my knees but, then again, I am not normally twisted around like a 'Snyders of Hanover' either...so yes."

Something fabulous did happen when I was not thinking  myself into a foolish little tizzy...I started to love it. My dear friend (who  listened to all of my body image projection bullshit with the patience of Job) very quietly pointed out that maybe what I think people are thinking (about me) might not actually be what they are thinking. 

Aw damn. 

Ughh, now I have to go and jump into the creepy, dark, deep side of my emotional pool and start cleaning up all of this misplaced crap. *sigh* And all I (my ego) wanted was the laugh.

As In Tomorrow?

Day: 9

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Power Yoga For Strength and Endurance
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: 58 min.

**and**
**because of lack of time, and because "Ouch."**


Day: 10

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Gentle Yoga Part One
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: 21 min

I was super excited about my Groupon purchase for the yoga room. I have a pal who also purchased the Groupon and will be doing classes with me. My thoughts "this will be great for next month". Right? Next month, after getting a little bit familiar with yoga again, building some confidence (and losing more weight that any other human being ever has in 4 weeks...hey, it could happen). I mean I had a solid plan. My pal, apparently quite a little eager beaver, shot me a text about taking our first class on Sunday...uhhhhh, as in...tomorrow???? Panic in sued, heart pounded, mouth dried up. Oh crap. 

I had to very quickly weigh my options, and they weren't good. Either face all my fears, ones that include foolish things such as: me being the chunky monkey in the front row that falls flat on her face during a Downward Dog pose; while the rest of her perfectly proportionate class glide effortlessly into a Scorpion Handstand. Unfortunately, as scary as all the crazy scenarios are in my head, I have decided...I love yoga...I can feel the pull to "go for it" and really take things to a more realistic level outside of my living room. I can also feel the panic that there is a chance that my friend could start without me and use up her month of unlimited classes. That would then leave me to go into a class all by my lonesome. No-ho sir, not this girl. 

Yup, I felt the pull, I felt the panic, and I worked my magic by pushing it back as far as I could. Tuesday...evening. Time to get my Asana in gear.

Clarity Through The Chaos

Day: 8

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Total Body Conditioning Parts One and Two
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: Part One-20 min. Part Two-21 min. Total=41 min.

Yes, boys and girls, yoga can indeed help you go from angry to Om.
Tested and proven today. On this, of all days, (for me) showed me proof is in the pudding. Going inward can bring clarity into the outer world:

'Roger That'.

When Vodka Met Yoga

Day: 7

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Evening Stress Release Parts One and Two
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: Part One-19 min. Part Two-21 min. Total=40 min.

In honor of the weekend, the last day of my first week of yoga each and every day, and the first weekend that feels like a true summer weekend (at least in my part of the world), we are combining my two favorite things...Vodka and Yoga. Sort of. I found the cutest little website. This step by step slideshow is a guide called Yoga to the Rescue-Cure Your Hangover:

http://yoga.prevention.com/slideshows/slideshows/Yoga_to_the_Rescue_Cure_That_Hangover.php

They also have slideshows for "Feel Sexy" Yoga, "Boost Your Energy" and "Calm Your Nerves", all with adorably illustrated slide shows. Loving this particular slide:

Hands down best visualization for me regarding poses of this nature. Let me just tell you, if there is a beer/wine/cocktail in my grip, and I feel a stumble coming on, I will follow any means necessary not to spill it. My college days are the backdrop for many a scraped and bruised elbow and knee. Falls that could have been easily avoided if I had just let the drink go and allowed my body to protect itself naturally. Rest assured, back then I was boozing like it was my job. To this day, if I am walking with a drink in hand and I start to stumble, I will break my face off  before I spill a drop.

I may have been a few vodkas into the evening when I came across this slide show, but I think this is the best idea ever! Although I am not sure how I would feel about actually doing yoga with a hangover (I am sure, however, that I will sometime in the near future, find out).

Side note: I am sipping on my new favorite vodka drink this weekend, I saw this idea on The Little Cookbook.com. Simple easy and no yucky stuff from store-bought mixers getting in the way. Vodka, water, a sprig of fresh rosemary from my back yard, lots of freshly squeezed lemon, on the rocks...mmmmmmm...ahhhhhh...helllloooooo Friday evening relaxation.

I liked the Evening Yoga, really helped me relax. Well that as well as the Vodka. No drinks in between poses, I kept it clean...but I did consider it. 

Word To Your Mutha

Day: 6

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Intro to Power Yoga Parts One and Two (yet again)
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: Part One 19 min./Part Two 23 min. = 42min.

The Big Dude upstairs has thrown me a bone, in the form of a Groupon. Yoga, one month unlimited at the yoga room two miles from my house. Done and done.

The Great Ego Purge, Drinks To Be Served After: "let me tell you what I am not"

Day: 5

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Intro to Power Yoga Parts One and Two 
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: Part One 19 min./Part Two 23 min. = 42min.

Well apparently I felt the power, from this session. I know I'm in the baby stages of reintroducing yoga back into my life, but the old, stifled up remnants of myself are already emerging. So with that said and some mental musings as of late, I've decided to post a confessional from time to time. My need to passionately pursue yoga is not just about the physical changes. Right now I'm delving into the need to purge some mental blocks. If you have sensitive eyeballs, please turn away:

For far too long I've tried to be just about anyone EXCEPT who I naturally am as a mother. I've even had mom friends try to tell me who to be (ironically, they wanted me to be just like them). Do I know exactly what kind of Mom I naturally am or could/would/should be? No, I'm finding that out one step at a time, but I can now tell you-without regret whatsoever-who I am not:

I am not a baker: I've tried more times that I can count.  Pinterest was insisting that I was in all actuality THE WORLD'S BEST BAKER to ever don an apron and grace a mixing bowl, but uh, Pinterest? Yea, that bitch was wrong. After the great Valentine's Day Red Velvet Cake Monkey Bread disaster of 2013, we had a "Come to Jesus" and decided to go ahead and build a bridge and get over that shit.

I am not a organizational master: My house is not always clean, my lists are not always crossed off, and this family, as a group is almost always running behind. Carpools make me coo coo ca-choo, so I have voluntarily opted out of them. I cannot take the pressure of not only being responsible for getting my children to school on time, but yours as well? Who came up with this terrible idea? No thanks.

I am not as patient as I should be: Let's get two things straight. FIRSTLY: these two kiddos are the light of my life, the best people I have ever met. The most wonderful thing that could have ever happened to me was to be blessed enough to become the mother of my two gorgeous, talented, smart, funny and sweet sweet babies. SECONDLY: these two drive me fucking nuts. Seriously. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to call my poor mother (who thank heavens lives close to us) and have  had to lay it out a little something like this..."If you are a fan of your granddaughter and would like it if she were still alive at the end of this day, then I suggest you come here and remove her from my presence as quickly as possible. Thank you."

I am not a sex goddess: "You were thinking I should whaat? Ok bud, let me break it down for you...I am tired and in desperate need of a shower which I am probably not going to take tonight. I have been hugged on, kissed on, wrestled with, yanked, grabbed and sneezed on for the last eight hours by your children, so I have literally been touched all day. I don't feel like touching anything else.  Now please shut it down...my wine is getting warm and The Mindy Project is on in like five minutes."

I am not at my best in the morning: My mother is notorious for  lovingly infuriatingly reminding me that my schedule would run much more efficiently if I just got up an extra hour in the morning. I hear ya, Mom, I do. My brain says "Yes!", my body says "Hell no. I know exactly the last possible minute I can hit that snooze. By the way, Erin, that was so cute of you to set the alarm an hour early, when we both know your getting up right now, is so not going to happen." My body is a jerk.

I am not happy being anybody's sidekick or party-mom friend: I get it, you're cool, your life is one non-stop socializing bunco grouping lake party after another. You win the "I'm still partying like it's 1999 award", but I'm no longer interested. I get tired. Sometimes, being alone with my couch, jammies and cocktail of choice feels so good that if loving that is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I am not a fan of volunteering for school committees or events: I really, really, really tried to be that gal. That go-getting, I'm going to make a difference at this school. I will leave a legacy here that will still be talked about when my grandchildren's grandchildren grace the tile lined wing that was named in my honor. But, Mama got herself a little taste of that, and...ah...thanks but no thanks. No joke, there is nothing like a school fund raiser for the children to bring out the "psycho hose beast"-worst in all of us. Nope, not for me.

I do not find motherhood for the most part fulfilling and gratifying: Talking to a friend the other day, who is recently new to motherhood,  really summed it up for me. My pal, N said, "I don't feel like I'm doing anything really productive, but I'm exhausted at the end of the week." I hear ya sister, loud and clear. You are normal. Of course you don't feel productive, and of course you are ragged out at the end of the week...every day is the same...it's Groundhog's day babe, and you are Bill-Freaking-Murray. Everything that was done yesterday needs to be done today, laundry needs done, dishes need put away, meals need cooked, homework needs checked, kids get dropped off at school and then picked up at school...HAMSTER ON A DAMN WHEEL.

Whatever I am not is okay with me...finally...thank you sweet Jesus, thank you! This is because I know that getting all the shit I know I'm not out of the way for good, is just the precursor to finding out what I am as a mother. No matter what that is for any of us, in the day to day, it feels very thankless. The payoff though, is big...BIG. It's building and shaping these little guys, and creating memories. Memories with the good ones outweighing the bad. Although-and we all must admit this-the bad, is going to happen. The bad is all a part of it. It's not always rainbows and sunshine, and it is so more then OKAY for us to not always like it. Maybe that's step one, just admit that you don't always like it, you aren't always the best at it. Admit that your snotty comments about how other moms suck is just masking all of your insecurities about it. It blows, it rocks, it's hard, it's as easy as breathing, it's painful, it's joyful, it's nasty, it's the sweetest of any sweet to ever exist, it's so frustrating you will actually fully understand the meaning of wanting-really WANTING-to pull your own hair out of your own head out of complete lack of how to make the stupid shit stop! It's disappointing and it is at the same time better then you could ever imagine. 

I know who I am not. Pretending no longer serves me. Now I can clear the space to  be the Mom I am.

I Take It Back Alan

Day: 4

Where: At Home

Type of Yoga:Gentle Yoga (Parts One and Two) 
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time:Part One-22 min./Part Two-21 min=43 min.

The long and the short of it:
I do, in fact, have a core...and it is pissed at me for ignoring it for so long.

I'm a bit sore. Mmhmm that's right, don't judge me. I have done zero in the way of exercise for far too long. With that in mind, I'd perused through the YOGA ZONE choices, and settled on something that sounded like music to my ears...Gentle Yoga. Yes please.  

This one had THE main man as my personal yoga instructor for the day, Mr. Finger, whom I had previously seen as a bit sketch  during his video intro to the various sessi-sodes (sessions and episodes, write that one down Urban Dictionary). I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed my gentle yoga experience. I'm a big girl and know when I need to admit my mistakes...therefore...ahem...Alan, I have misjudged you. Your knowledge is infinite, your voice is as soothing as a rippling stream. The Yoga Zone channel has made the very first baby steps of my journey possible, and your curly gray locks frame your face like an angel. Accept my deepest apologies, sir, until we meet again.

Getting Out of My Own Way

Day: 3
Where: At Home 

Type of Yoga: Fat Burning (Parts One and Two) 
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time:Part One-19 min./Part Two-20 min= 39 min.

This is a great episode/session. Faster pace and generated some heat! Feeling inspired already! It's like hooking back up with an old friend. 

Quote I'm digging on today:

Breathing Room

Day: 2
Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Healthy Flexibility and Relaxation (TAKE TWO)
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: 1 hour

Yay! Success! Up before the dawn and waaaay before any of the crazies in the house are awake. Redo of the yoga from yesterday and BOOM, we are off and it feels great! 

The moment, I mean THE moment I start this, the most important part comes back to me. Breathing. Yup, breathing. I know that if you are new or never have done yoga before you are probably a little confused. "Duh, I already know how to breath." Yes you do, but I can almost guarantee that you don't appreciate it and, if that's the case, you're probably doing it all wrong.

When done right, especially in yoga, it is both therapeutic and transforming. Yes, TRANSFORMING! Here's what it should look like:

And THIS is what it should make you feel like:

AHHHH...(and OMMMMM)

Here is a great video link to help you breath correctly. Even if you aren't doing ANYthing else, focusing on your breath will begin to benefit you in many, many different ways. Give it a try:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?client=mv-google&gl=US&hl=en&v=SkFSIfvWOAQ&nomobile=1

Epic Fail

Day: 1
Where: At Home

Type of Yoga: Healthy Flexibility and Relaxation
Source: HULU PLUS-Yoga Zone Channel

Time: 1 hour

I just spent an hour practicing "Healthy Flexibility and Relaxation" yoga. Thanks Hulu Plus for your YOGA Zone channel with the slightly creepy, yet, paradoxically reassuring Alan Finger. This could work. Hey, It's a start and there is no way I'm jumping in a at a Yoga Room quite yet. So not ready to surround myself with all the skinny chicks, whilst filling my head with imaginary conversations I would have with them. They would go alittle something like this:
"Yes, Deborah, I'm fully aware that my forehead cannot yet touch my shin bones, I'm still carrying baby weight, OK? What's that?-how old is my 'baby'? Ummmmmm...he's seven.

I chose this particular yoga session on the YOGA ZONE channel because it seemed like a great place to start. I can definitely use the health benefits of flexibility and I re-he-he-heally need the relaxation. 

What I learned most from today, right out of the gate, I had to learn the hard way. Clearly my timing/environment is not quite right for the full benefits of yoga. 

I think I would have really enjoyed the one hour "Healthy Flexibility and Relaxation" session, however, I was interrupted about 97 times and then ended the session, not with "Namaste" but instead with a round of screaming by everyone, children in tears banished to their rooms, and me shoving a cinnamon roll down my throat in a matter of seconds. Hmm, seems a bit counterproductive to both the "Health" and "Relaxation" benefits of this particular session. 

Welp, a lesson learned is a lesson learned. Tonight I will be setting my alarm and getting up earlier and starting my day with yoga before the beasts I live with have time to ruin it. 

Why Yoga?

Why Yoga? There is something about this that I can't explain. Last week I was at lunch with my pal, G, and I told her "I feel like it's time for me to go after the life I'm supposed to have. I feel like that path starts with...Yoga."

Whoa. I don't even know exactly where those words came from. 

I have felt a shift. This has come both in the form of figurative smacks across the back of the head, and tiny little "shiftings" over the past few years. I have many issues I feel the growing need to address, but primarily, I want to find harmony in my mind, body and spirit. I want to enjoy my life to it's absolute fullest. I have come to the realization that there is a lot of cleaning up that needs to happen on my inside. It's time to cleanse! It's time for empowerment! It's time for strength! It's time for, dare I say, "sess-i-ness"?? Cleary, I am not in touch with my sess-i-ness, because typing that just made me giggle like an 6th grader. 

So, what do I like about Yoga? It feels good. I feel better when I've done it. I feel good while doing it. My mind appreciates the slow steady rhythm, focusing only on my breath, my bones, my muscles and clearing space in between all of those parts. It speaks to me. I do, of course, wonder if I will see the results I wish to see by following yoga daily. I will be updating weight loss and posting pictures (kill me now) to track results. 

I will begin with Yoga at home. This is a Mama with minimal funds, y'all! I am open, though, as I delve deeper into yoga as a practice, to wherever and to whomever it will take me. Maybe it will inspire me to incorporate more forms of physical exercise to come into my life, maybe it will inspire even more deeper spiritual habits, maybe I will want to teach Yoga one day, maybe I will find a guru...I'm not sure where the journey will take me but I know that I am ready to begin.

What I envision when I picture myself doing yoga.

vs.

Closer to what I actually look like while doing yoga.

So let's go, little by little, day by day. Goodbye to anger mismanagement, goodbye to stubborn belly fat and yucky body image. Goodbye to Easter candy raids in the middle of the night. I have GOT to get rid of that Easter candy, seriously...although there is one more mini Cadbury Egg. 

Yep, I will be eating that. Damn.