Time To Deal

Day: 10

Where: Yoga Room

Type of Yoga: Hatha Flow 

Time: 90 min.

I brought the negativity with me tonight, yes indeedy I did. To yoga?? Yup. I was a hot mess of awkward sarcasm literally (not just figuratively, I mean it...I was sweating like a pregnant nun in church). 

Listen, you don't see very many people in yoga classes who aren't already in great shape. I was a nervous wreck on the inside. My ego/the dark side/devil/shadow effect was taking over and telling me horrific things about myself, and then came up with the same solution to help me fit in...get the laugh.

A laugh at my own expense shows that I'm in control right? Isn't that what I'm learning about my nasty little ego? That at least if I decidedly act out I am, in a sense, taking over an awkward situation and coming out smelling like a rose. Well let me tell you, a yoga class is a baaaad platform for sarcasm laced in self-loathing. I did not get the laugh.  

This internal turmoil was apparently sending out the freak beacon, because the yoga teacher honed in on me. I sincerely was a hot, sweaty mess. Holy shit, Alan's Zone did NOT prepare me for this. The teacher was trying to help me and was being very sweet and subtle, but I just wanted her to stop drawing attention to me:

Teacher: "Does anyone (eye ball-stare-down directly at me) have problems with their knees and need a blanket to 'cushion'?"

My response (only in my head): "Well, I don't normally have problems with my knees but, then again, I am not normally twisted around like a 'Snyders of Hanover' either...so yes."

Something fabulous did happen when I was not thinking  myself into a foolish little tizzy...I started to love it. My dear friend (who  listened to all of my body image projection bullshit with the patience of Job) very quietly pointed out that maybe what I think people are thinking (about me) might not actually be what they are thinking. 

Aw damn. 

Ughh, now I have to go and jump into the creepy, dark, deep side of my emotional pool and start cleaning up all of this misplaced crap. *sigh* And all I (my ego) wanted was the laugh.